slipping.

blogging is hard. it requires some form of honesty, and that honesty can become habitual. and personally expensive.

i’m writing this as i check (even though i’ve long since subscribed) debauchette’s blog to see if she’s come out of hiding from her own punishment for being honest (thanks gawker, for ruining this rare treat for the rest of us, btw).

in my case the honesty comes in the form of discussing the the various illicit facets of my life that i’ve intentionally kept apart because i fear that merged they would overwelm me, as well as those who are important to me.

it seems my fears where correct.  in the last two weeks i’ve:

• starting consuming cocaine in public, which has resulted in my consuming quantities of the substance that can no longer be confused with special treat status
• i’ve recombined drugs and sex in a way i’d decided i’d never do again
• i’ve told not one, but two people of my crack trials years ago, losing a friend to worry each time
• i’ve kissed a boy, in public, causing a stupid amount of scandal that was highly avoidable
• i’ve asked a friend for help in finding heroin, causing future awkwardness

none of these things are particulary scandelous. but they defy my approach to life. i compartmentalize, hide parts of me from others, in an effort to push the limits along as many dimensions as i can without losing control.

it takes discipline. i thought i had that discipline. i used to have that discipline.

what’s changed is this blog. other than random musings in the shower, there’s never been a forum for me where i united different thoughts i had into coherent musings, and it appears to be an addictive, and hard to
go away from. the new mental coherence is infecting my real life, and i’m unsure that i’m comfortable with that.

i haven’t told the speakeasy girl about a lot of these things, but it lies there inside me, trying to get out. i used to stifle random “i love you”s post sex and intimacy. now i’m fighting back more personal statements. this is not a person with whom i should be sharing an interest in heroin.

i’m just not sure how to back off of this new path but i can’t keep it up this way. secrets are made to be that way, even if the secrets are relatively benign. i have a public persona i’m uncomfortable killing off in the name of personal honesty.

so anyway, i’ve slowed down posting on this blog while i get my inner monologue in check, and, er, inner