if you’ve grown up internalizing the worst of mrs. reagan’s anti-drug messaging it may surprise you to know that addicts are actually quite normal, tender and sweet people, provided they have the means and funds to maintain adequately.
one of them is playing footsie with me right now. tenderly. we’re staring into each others’ eyes.
also coked up.
she used to be my type. definitely trouble. definitely not someone you’d want to know six months longer down this road. but right now, she’s full of life, smart, sassy and seemingly smitten with me. maybe a bit suicide girlie, but not much.
she keeps calling me her “dirty librarian” – apparently it’s like the sexy librarian devoid of anything wholesome. i dress like a librarian i’ve discovered.
she’s not a librarian. tom-boy – but sexier. younger than me… she tells me later she thought i was five years younger than i was.
but right now i’m really concerned with our feet. and her eyes. blue. vivid.
my friend’s cut me off from the coke, but’s not happy that i’m making eyes with her. he keeps giving me an evil eye, but i’ve decided i could give a shit about what he thinks.
feet playing, toying under the table. it feels innocent and subtle, even though everyone knows what’s going on.
we’re talking, too. she likes chuck palahniuk, reads all his work. i weighed the options of ignoring this and simply moving forward in her attraction versus giving in to my contempt of him and challenging her. maybe it’s the coke, but i hope it’s me that ultimately takes her on for her fandom.
we argue/talk/tease each other about our literary tastes for a few hours, exhausting the community of the speakeasy. they leave one by one, tired of drugs, bored by our conversation. we stay.
eventually we can retreat into a dark corner. this bar has a lot of dark corners.
i kiss her, she returns the kiss.
i like her. but this is bad.
when i kiss someone i generally can imagine a future, a future i’d like to investigate. this girl would kill me. fuck, she’s likely to kill herself soon. she’s already told me as much. that’s she’s self-destructive. has been on a tear for a while now.
but i like her. she’s smart. warped. immediate.
i kiss her with a different urgency. the urgency of getting to know her while i can. before she’s gone.
