slutting.

I’m one of the firm belief that, to re-write a tolstoy bromide, all prudes are prudish in the same way whereas sluts are all slutty in their own ways.

i’m currently interested in why i’m a slut. this may be interesting for some. there are stereotypes about men and might make this seem like a simple quest. perhaps based on yet more bromides about wild oats.

i disagree.

i can only speak for myself. i do have friends who have sought bedpost, belt, or even (in one case) internet notches, but i cannot relate to that. conquest for it’s own sake is, frankly, boring and too much work, anyway.

despite what it may seem from this blog, i’m far more easy than sexually prolific.

for me it’s about expression and intimacy. i see something in someone and want to know them better. i used to say i fall in love a little bit every time i fucked someone. having actually fallen in love i don’t believe that is the case anymore.

lust isn’t the right word either. and some of me falls behind with everyone i sleep with. (that may be cribbed from a mark bianchi lyric, but i haven’t the energy to check) i spend a little bit of time recovering afterwards. repairing myself.

i react to a “narcissian” image of something i recognize within myself. something i want to nurture, explore or understand better by getting closer to someone else, rather than myself. there is also a physical component.

my interests, my inner core, lives at the seams of most identities people seem to don on themselves. i’m professional in work that most find boring, but my personal interests are far more creative and artistic (in the really academic way that maybe many others would find boring, too). i’m ridiculously happy with the worst drugs, but avoid behavior that would lead to any lifestyle changes – and hence avoid most other users. my affection for the so appropriately termed haute-pervure that’s difficult to share, and so forth. this makes me feel lonely, or at least singular, frequently.

it also means don’t relate well to most people. i’m only partially interesting to and only partially interested in most people. i think this makes me seem cold to many. but i just can’t maintain a long term interest in what feels to me as a one-dimensional conversation.

but i’m the warmest sucker for someone who sees the pattern, and can make sense of me. or someone complicated enough to hold my interest.

when i meet someone like that i want to make the most of it, even if only briefly. and the best way i have to express that interest is fucking someone. i’m sure there are other ways, but most fall under “tell” not “show”, something i’m not particularly interested in. (though i can whisper sweet nothings with the best of them.) there aren’t many ways you can show someone how close they can get to you. sex is one. and it works for me.

there’s also the pure physical aspects. how much closer can you really get with fingers, cocks, tongues are actually inside each other? how can you beat that for intimacy? if you can make someone moan, or gasp in pleasure, what else can you do for them?

i don’t expect to be close to someone permanently. not the way i operate when my head-space enters slut mode. but i like knowing i’ve gotten closer. i like watching someone flush up as you figure out what turns them on. it makes me feel like i understand them.

if someone can do the same for me, i feel a little more understood. i have bad experiences, awkward ones for awkward reasons. invariably i find i assessed the person’s core wrong. they weren’t who i thought they were.

there’s almost nothing that makes me more sad.

another issue is the sinking feeling after i come that this was a mistake. that i got blinded by something else – drink, drugs, or general arousal – and mistook something superficial for a sign of depth and complexity.

i’m not going to suppose this behavior is normal or healthy. and it has it’s social and emotional costs. i’m getting more used to becoming judged. especially as i get older and the “wild oats” story cannot be worn as a disguise.

but it’s working for me now.